Post by K-Box on Dec 6, 2008 21:28:27 GMT -8
It's so simple that I can't believe it never occurred to me before now!
Here's all you have to do, to win the heartsand minds of simpering fangirls everywhere:
QUICK WHICH ONE AM I:
AYN RAND WRITING THE FOUNTAINHEAD OR STEPHENIE MEYER WRITING TWILIGHT?
UNDER THE PEN NAME OF "KEERA LEE BRANSON" I WILL WRITE A NOVEL CALLED MARY SUE THE STRONG-WILLED BUT SUBMISSIVE NARRATOR WHO WAS SPECIAL IN SPITE OF HER ORDINARINESS AND WHO WON THE HEART OF JOSEPH ALAN SMITH-GREENSPAN THE OBJECTIVIST CAPITALIST MORMON VAMPIRE WHO SMIRKED AND SPARKLED
I PREDICT IT WILL SELL SLEVENTY BASKRILLION COPIES IN ITS FIRST DAY OF RELEASE AND THE CUMULATIVE SOUNDS OF BOTH TEENAGE GIRLS AND MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN SCHLICKING TO IT ACROSS THE GLOBE WILL EXCEED THE TOTAL NOISE CREATED WHEN KRAKATOA EXPLODED
Here's all you have to do, to win the hearts
- Be a spoiled, self-centered, entitled, privileged white girl.
- Create a screamingly obvious authorial self-insertion character who exists to serve as a point-of-view avatar for readers who are as full of self-loathing, and as totally devoid of self-awareness, as yourself.
- Create a supposedly flawless and ridiculously idealized Alpha Male protagonist to serve as a love interest for your POV fictional avatar for yourself, who appeals explicitly to all of your own most ... unique sexual kinks, which you should describe in extensive detail at every available opportunity, regardless of how much it might completely derail any character or plot developments that you might have remembered to include in your story.
- Devote countless interminable passages to praising your Alpha Male protagonist,
evenespecially if it means rendering all of his opponents into nothing more than mono-dimensional strawman ciphers, andevenespecially if it means not only forgiving, but also praising the Alpha Male for his unforgivably assholish behavior,evenespecially his treatment of your own POV fictional avatar, which can include everything from emotionally abusive manipulation to physically abusive rape. - Substitute any possible action with multi-chapter-length declamatory speeches from the characters - remember, the hallmark of any truly shitty writer is to TELL, rather than SHOW, what's going on - and resolve your "story," such as it is, by having your POV fictional avatar and Alpha Male protagonist a) hook up, b) get revenge on anyone who hated on them, dared to displease them, or even just didn't love them blindly or singlemindedly enough, c) escape from the social obligations of being responsible to
their parentsthe proletariatanyone else, thus leaving them absolutely free of any external regulating mechanisms whatsoever, and d) be proven Right and Good in every way. - Proceed to rake in gajillions of dollars from the cults of stupid, worthless assholes who will now love the living shit out of every terrible, horrible, utterly reprehensible piece of dogshit fiction that you will ever write from here on in.
QUICK WHICH ONE AM I:
AYN RAND WRITING THE FOUNTAINHEAD OR STEPHENIE MEYER WRITING TWILIGHT?
UNDER THE PEN NAME OF "KEERA LEE BRANSON" I WILL WRITE A NOVEL CALLED MARY SUE THE STRONG-WILLED BUT SUBMISSIVE NARRATOR WHO WAS SPECIAL IN SPITE OF HER ORDINARINESS AND WHO WON THE HEART OF JOSEPH ALAN SMITH-GREENSPAN THE OBJECTIVIST CAPITALIST MORMON VAMPIRE WHO SMIRKED AND SPARKLED
I PREDICT IT WILL SELL SLEVENTY BASKRILLION COPIES IN ITS FIRST DAY OF RELEASE AND THE CUMULATIVE SOUNDS OF BOTH TEENAGE GIRLS AND MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN SCHLICKING TO IT ACROSS THE GLOBE WILL EXCEED THE TOTAL NOISE CREATED WHEN KRAKATOA EXPLODED
