Post by paulpogue on Jul 4, 2010 20:42:03 GMT -8
Purely in the interests of science, I shall be liveblogging Frank Miller’s “The Spirit” as I watch it. Joining me are my lovely wife Katrina and our dear friends Greg and Odile. Let's see what happens.
Clearly this demands to be viewed in the proper “Flash Gordon”-esque frame of mind.
This is exactly what a Frank Miller/Robert Rodriguez collaboration would look like if Robert Rodriguez were in a coma.
Oh my god, I just realized that Miller actually believes everything that’s being said here. I wonder if he’s the only one who doesn’t know this is totally a comedy.
The Spirit: "My city is an old city, old and proud, made up of the proud generations before. My city screams. She needs me." Katrina: "He sounds like you, talking about Indianapolis. Except you're more pretentious."
“My city is a real woman, not a painted jailbait.” Don’t bother lining up, ladies, this man is already taken.
10 minutes down and the funniest component is watching Miller completely miss the point of “The Spirit” entirely.
Greg: "Mythbusters proved that a bullet isn't going to go that far in water."
Me: "This movie is an awesome comedy!"
Odile: "This movie hasn't tried anything resembling humor so far."
Me: "It's nonstop humor!"
Odile: "But not on purpose!"
"Shut up and bleed." It's like a rough draft of "Noir Talk For Dummies."
Everyone else seems embarrassed to be in this, but Sam Jackson is having more fun than he has had in AGES. And to think think that I worried "Snakes on a Plane" would ruin him.
Whoo-hoo, here comes Scarlett Johanssen practically with a bag over her head. She and Jackson are the only two people who seem to get how bad this movie is. Jackson revels in it; I’m not sure if she’s reveling or just trying to salvage her dignity.
WRENCH-FU! TOILET-FU! This is the best movie ever.
Greg: "I think they're brawling in the gulf of mexico."
Odile: "Is his mask really supposed to hide his identity? Because it covers none of the expressive elements of his face."
Kat: "Is it even a mask, or is it painted on?"
Yes, Samuel, toilets are ALWAYS funny.
Odile: "So what's so Octopussy about him?"
Greg: "Let's not ask too many questions at this juncture."
Odile: "Man, I think the city is really going to be paying out a lot in red ties after this."
I swear, when Miller was writing this script, he had a direct link to TVTropes.com to check off every single box as he went down the line. “We’re not so different, you and I …”
Wait, wait, here’s the hardass cop! Time for Captain Exposition to tell The Spirit THAT HE IS A LOOSE CANNON AND TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL!
Does Jackson ever, ever blink? Does he even HAVE eyelids?
15 minutes:
“Maybe if you and your guys could find the Octopus, I wouldn’t have to play it solo.” This is as good a time as any to remind all and sundry that Miller really, really, really wanted to do a Batman Versus Osama Bin Laden story.
“YOU’RE LIVING ON THE EDGE, SPIRIT!” I was kidding about the loose cannon speech, you know. “What’s ten minutes of a man’s life, anyway?” Dude, this is COMPLETELY DEEP.
This voiceover is exactly like the “Blade Runner” voiceover would have been if everyone involved were on crack.
I love watching how everyone is in completely different movies. Samuel L. Jackson is in a 1970s blaxploitation flick, surrounded by henchmen from the Adam West Batman, and his assistant comes straight from a naughty-librarian softcore porn.
"No egg on my face! I don't like egg on my face!" Odile: What DOES he like on his face?
“No egg on my face! NO EGG ON MY FACE!” Who says Samuel L. Jackson can’t do Method acting? He has been preparing for this role SINCE THE DAY HE WAS BORN.
22 minutes
Odile: "This flashback is like 1930s plus ho-bag plus skateboard."
Random girl on screen: "Can I be your girl?"
Odile: "If I can't be your hobag skateboard girl, I guess being your girl will do. Wait, is this catsuit lady? Is this still a flashback? I want her to bite it so bad."
Oh, god, metalcore soundtrack for the suicide. Sooo 1979.
Greg: "Sand Serif, wait, Sand Serif, like the font? Is this supposed to be sexy?"
I'm starting to wonder if there were ever two actors ever actually together in a scene at the same time, or if they're all just greenscreened in and yelling at a tennis ball on a stick in the studio.
Sand vanishes into the red! Odile: "She's walking into hell."
Kat: "I thought she was walking into his tie."
The Spirit figures out Sand is in on it! "She's working with the Octopus, and my feelings don't matter!" Wow, the world's greatest detective he is not.
Wait, Sam Jackson is a samurai? What? What? WHAT?
This whole bit is so bad that it actually makes Johansson not remotely attractive, despite theoretically being all kinds of nerdy-hot here.
Silken Floss: "Sand Serif has the blood of Heracles, and we have something she wants." Do all these people speak only Lower Exposition as their language?
"I hate steppin' on gum, especially in winter. Gets all sticky." Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the biggest crowd-pleaser of the Iron Man films.
Sand Serif talks about the awesomeness of whatever it is they're stealing and sounds like she's going to orgasm. Odile: "Are we talking about art here?" Funny thing is, despite everyone speaking in only Exposition, I have no idea what she's actually talking about.
Kat: "Copying your own butt is no fun if you actually have cloth over it!"
I could really maybe use some subtitles here or a pop-up guide or something to explain what the fuck is going on.
And to think Sarah Paulson was in "Studio 60." I honestly don't know which gig is worse.
Greg: "Catwoman could have been worse."
Me: "Yeah, it could have been this."
35 minutes:
Love scene in the examination room! Odile: "Wait, wait, you have to put on a mask too! That way we won't know who each other are! It'll be so sexy!"
"It's a pleasure to meetcha, Spirit! I'm a rookie! Morgenstern!" Wait, is she a stripper or an actual cop? Kat: "She reminds me of Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man."
And now the Spirit is giving advice to kids. Remember when Peter Weller could actually sell this kind of material in "Robocop"? At least now we know how his teeth gleam so much.
Kat: "I love the placement of the 'police' tag on her shirt.'"
Me: "Yeah, an easy target for the snipers."
Kat: "No, an easy target to draw your eye to her boobs."
Odile: "I want her to goosestep!"
Wait a minute, did Captain Exposition and Officer Rookie just deliver a point-for-point recap of the flashback from ten minutes ago?
And now we're recapping the recap! As the Spirit and Captain Exposition basically do a rendition of "I know you are but what am I?"
And now we have random sheiks. Okay.
"I thought I was closing in, putting it all together." YOU HAVEN'T DONE A THING RESEMBLING DETECTING THIS ENTIRE MOVIE!
Sam: "That's just plain damn weird." YOU'RE ONLY JUST NOW NOTICING?
You know, Marlon Brando used to refuse to read the script and just had people with cue cards feeding him lines during shooting so he'd have a "fresher take." Maybe it was BS to avoid working, but hey, worked for Brando. This. Does. Not. Work. For. Scarlett. Johanssen.
Remember some of those classic moments between Batman and Catwoman that were smoldering with sexual tension even as Adam West yelled at Julie Newmar how she was a crook? This scene is exactly like that wasn't.
"The vase was made of what little girl's dreams are made of!"
Odile: "Ponies?"
Greg: "Rainbows?"
Kat: "Pony meat on rainbows?"
"You'll believe a man CAN'T fly." I see what you did there, Frank. Also, the only thing worse than reminding us of Catwoman is to remind us of much better superhero movies.
No capes, dahling! No capes!
Kat: "Who the hell is he talking to, anyway?"
"All the enemy has is guns and knives."
Odile: "Are you kidding? The enemy also has tiny feet that hop around and Samuel Jackson as a samurai! I don't think you're correcting estimating the severity of the danger here."
"The city is my mother, she protects me."
Odile: "I thought the city was your lover? What the HELL kind of relationship do you have with this city?"
"I'm the only one who knows his body!"
Odile: "I wouldn't be so sure of that, honey."
This is the worst father/daughter relationship ever. He should tell every woman in the movie "You have fickle little fingers."
"Denny is dead. Denny Colt is dead." And by the way, I wonder who the Spirit really is. ARE YOU PEOPLE MORONS?
Belly dancer! Odile: "Ooh, maybe it's Sam Jackson as a belly dancer!" As attractive as I find Plaster-god-help-me-OF Paris, that would be pretty awesome.
OH MY GOD SAM JACK IS A NAZI. THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER.
Scarlett Johanssen looks like a hostage being forced to deliver her lines at gunpoint.
Spirit: "I'm getting old just listening to you."
Odile: "Now you know how we feel watching YOU."
Kat: "White blood?"
Odile: "It's so edgy."
Sam: "You were dead as Star Trek" Someone's taking this whole Jedi thing way too far.
Seriously, do you know how many acting awards are in the room just when Sam and Scarlett are sharing a scene?
Kat: "So is he a vampire or a zombie?"
Greg: "Either way it makes all those women necrophiliacs."
You know, this movie really is fantastic whenever Sam Jackson is doing his thing. And then Scarlett or Gabriel mess it all up.
Spirit: "Seeing as how I'm going to die anyway, tell me the whole plan." OH YES THEY WENT THERE.
Sam: "We found his ass!"
Scarlett: "And we have some blood."
Odile: "Was the blood in his as? And by the way, are they going to explain this premise to us AGAIN?"
MELTING KITTEH!
Okay, so here's how the exposition works: They explain to us what's going to happen, then narrate it as it happens, then tell us what just happened.
And yes, it appears Plaster of Paris' kryptonite is actually French. No wonder she came to America to be a bad guy.
NAZI-FU! SWASTIKA-FU!
Is she using Legolas' sword from Lord of the Rings? Are we recycling THAT much? Kat: "It was cheap on Museum Replicas."
Did anyone in the editing room notice how Plaster and Angel of Death look alike? I'm pretty sure it's not intentional.
Odile: "Is everything Death says a veiled sexual metaphor?"
Me: "... veiled?"
1 hour in:
Me: "Man, if I'd known death was so hot, I'd have cacked myself long ago."
Odile: "I don't think it's for everyone."
Wow, it's creepy how literal the whole objectification-of-women thing going on here is.
his is the most expensive student film ever made.
Kat: Why is there a dinosaur?
Odile: Does there NEED to be a reason? He's returning to life to save all those women from loneliness. With the power of his necrophiliac penis.
Spirit: "Somebody get me a tie!" Oh my god, the city really DOES spring for all those ties.
Scarlett: "This is fun for me." You sure haven't shown any sign of it yet.
It's kind of surreal how every half hour or so, Scarlett remembers she's a highly acclaimed actress and tries to act like one, and then fails miserably.
The truck says "Ditko's Speedy Delivery." Oh, Frank, you've managed to screw up your own and Eisner's names so badly in the course of this, no need to bring poor Steve Ditko into things too.
I love how there's all this sexual tension between Spirit and everyone else, and yet he's got the most unresolved tension with Sam Jackson.
Sand: "It doesn't mean I'm your girl."
Greg: "No, I'm just some skank ho you'll bang every now and again."
You really should make little air quotes when you call this a "movie."
Another "the city is a woman" speech. Will she be his daughter this time?
And that’s a wrap. See you all next time!
Clearly this demands to be viewed in the proper “Flash Gordon”-esque frame of mind.
This is exactly what a Frank Miller/Robert Rodriguez collaboration would look like if Robert Rodriguez were in a coma.
Oh my god, I just realized that Miller actually believes everything that’s being said here. I wonder if he’s the only one who doesn’t know this is totally a comedy.
The Spirit: "My city is an old city, old and proud, made up of the proud generations before. My city screams. She needs me." Katrina: "He sounds like you, talking about Indianapolis. Except you're more pretentious."
“My city is a real woman, not a painted jailbait.” Don’t bother lining up, ladies, this man is already taken.
10 minutes down and the funniest component is watching Miller completely miss the point of “The Spirit” entirely.
Greg: "Mythbusters proved that a bullet isn't going to go that far in water."
Me: "This movie is an awesome comedy!"
Odile: "This movie hasn't tried anything resembling humor so far."
Me: "It's nonstop humor!"
Odile: "But not on purpose!"
"Shut up and bleed." It's like a rough draft of "Noir Talk For Dummies."
Everyone else seems embarrassed to be in this, but Sam Jackson is having more fun than he has had in AGES. And to think think that I worried "Snakes on a Plane" would ruin him.
Whoo-hoo, here comes Scarlett Johanssen practically with a bag over her head. She and Jackson are the only two people who seem to get how bad this movie is. Jackson revels in it; I’m not sure if she’s reveling or just trying to salvage her dignity.
WRENCH-FU! TOILET-FU! This is the best movie ever.
Greg: "I think they're brawling in the gulf of mexico."
Odile: "Is his mask really supposed to hide his identity? Because it covers none of the expressive elements of his face."
Kat: "Is it even a mask, or is it painted on?"
Yes, Samuel, toilets are ALWAYS funny.
Odile: "So what's so Octopussy about him?"
Greg: "Let's not ask too many questions at this juncture."
Odile: "Man, I think the city is really going to be paying out a lot in red ties after this."
I swear, when Miller was writing this script, he had a direct link to TVTropes.com to check off every single box as he went down the line. “We’re not so different, you and I …”
Wait, wait, here’s the hardass cop! Time for Captain Exposition to tell The Spirit THAT HE IS A LOOSE CANNON AND TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL!
Does Jackson ever, ever blink? Does he even HAVE eyelids?
15 minutes:
“Maybe if you and your guys could find the Octopus, I wouldn’t have to play it solo.” This is as good a time as any to remind all and sundry that Miller really, really, really wanted to do a Batman Versus Osama Bin Laden story.
“YOU’RE LIVING ON THE EDGE, SPIRIT!” I was kidding about the loose cannon speech, you know. “What’s ten minutes of a man’s life, anyway?” Dude, this is COMPLETELY DEEP.
This voiceover is exactly like the “Blade Runner” voiceover would have been if everyone involved were on crack.
I love watching how everyone is in completely different movies. Samuel L. Jackson is in a 1970s blaxploitation flick, surrounded by henchmen from the Adam West Batman, and his assistant comes straight from a naughty-librarian softcore porn.
"No egg on my face! I don't like egg on my face!" Odile: What DOES he like on his face?
“No egg on my face! NO EGG ON MY FACE!” Who says Samuel L. Jackson can’t do Method acting? He has been preparing for this role SINCE THE DAY HE WAS BORN.
22 minutes
Odile: "This flashback is like 1930s plus ho-bag plus skateboard."
Random girl on screen: "Can I be your girl?"
Odile: "If I can't be your hobag skateboard girl, I guess being your girl will do. Wait, is this catsuit lady? Is this still a flashback? I want her to bite it so bad."
Oh, god, metalcore soundtrack for the suicide. Sooo 1979.
Greg: "Sand Serif, wait, Sand Serif, like the font? Is this supposed to be sexy?"
I'm starting to wonder if there were ever two actors ever actually together in a scene at the same time, or if they're all just greenscreened in and yelling at a tennis ball on a stick in the studio.
Sand vanishes into the red! Odile: "She's walking into hell."
Kat: "I thought she was walking into his tie."
The Spirit figures out Sand is in on it! "She's working with the Octopus, and my feelings don't matter!" Wow, the world's greatest detective he is not.
Wait, Sam Jackson is a samurai? What? What? WHAT?
This whole bit is so bad that it actually makes Johansson not remotely attractive, despite theoretically being all kinds of nerdy-hot here.
Silken Floss: "Sand Serif has the blood of Heracles, and we have something she wants." Do all these people speak only Lower Exposition as their language?
"I hate steppin' on gum, especially in winter. Gets all sticky." Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the biggest crowd-pleaser of the Iron Man films.
Sand Serif talks about the awesomeness of whatever it is they're stealing and sounds like she's going to orgasm. Odile: "Are we talking about art here?" Funny thing is, despite everyone speaking in only Exposition, I have no idea what she's actually talking about.
Kat: "Copying your own butt is no fun if you actually have cloth over it!"
I could really maybe use some subtitles here or a pop-up guide or something to explain what the fuck is going on.
And to think Sarah Paulson was in "Studio 60." I honestly don't know which gig is worse.
Greg: "Catwoman could have been worse."
Me: "Yeah, it could have been this."
35 minutes:
Love scene in the examination room! Odile: "Wait, wait, you have to put on a mask too! That way we won't know who each other are! It'll be so sexy!"
"It's a pleasure to meetcha, Spirit! I'm a rookie! Morgenstern!" Wait, is she a stripper or an actual cop? Kat: "She reminds me of Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man."
And now the Spirit is giving advice to kids. Remember when Peter Weller could actually sell this kind of material in "Robocop"? At least now we know how his teeth gleam so much.
Kat: "I love the placement of the 'police' tag on her shirt.'"
Me: "Yeah, an easy target for the snipers."
Kat: "No, an easy target to draw your eye to her boobs."
Odile: "I want her to goosestep!"
Wait a minute, did Captain Exposition and Officer Rookie just deliver a point-for-point recap of the flashback from ten minutes ago?
And now we're recapping the recap! As the Spirit and Captain Exposition basically do a rendition of "I know you are but what am I?"
And now we have random sheiks. Okay.
"I thought I was closing in, putting it all together." YOU HAVEN'T DONE A THING RESEMBLING DETECTING THIS ENTIRE MOVIE!
Sam: "That's just plain damn weird." YOU'RE ONLY JUST NOW NOTICING?
You know, Marlon Brando used to refuse to read the script and just had people with cue cards feeding him lines during shooting so he'd have a "fresher take." Maybe it was BS to avoid working, but hey, worked for Brando. This. Does. Not. Work. For. Scarlett. Johanssen.
Remember some of those classic moments between Batman and Catwoman that were smoldering with sexual tension even as Adam West yelled at Julie Newmar how she was a crook? This scene is exactly like that wasn't.
"The vase was made of what little girl's dreams are made of!"
Odile: "Ponies?"
Greg: "Rainbows?"
Kat: "Pony meat on rainbows?"
"You'll believe a man CAN'T fly." I see what you did there, Frank. Also, the only thing worse than reminding us of Catwoman is to remind us of much better superhero movies.
No capes, dahling! No capes!
Kat: "Who the hell is he talking to, anyway?"
"All the enemy has is guns and knives."
Odile: "Are you kidding? The enemy also has tiny feet that hop around and Samuel Jackson as a samurai! I don't think you're correcting estimating the severity of the danger here."
"The city is my mother, she protects me."
Odile: "I thought the city was your lover? What the HELL kind of relationship do you have with this city?"
"I'm the only one who knows his body!"
Odile: "I wouldn't be so sure of that, honey."
This is the worst father/daughter relationship ever. He should tell every woman in the movie "You have fickle little fingers."
"Denny is dead. Denny Colt is dead." And by the way, I wonder who the Spirit really is. ARE YOU PEOPLE MORONS?
Belly dancer! Odile: "Ooh, maybe it's Sam Jackson as a belly dancer!" As attractive as I find Plaster-god-help-me-OF Paris, that would be pretty awesome.
OH MY GOD SAM JACK IS A NAZI. THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER.
Scarlett Johanssen looks like a hostage being forced to deliver her lines at gunpoint.
Spirit: "I'm getting old just listening to you."
Odile: "Now you know how we feel watching YOU."
Kat: "White blood?"
Odile: "It's so edgy."
Sam: "You were dead as Star Trek" Someone's taking this whole Jedi thing way too far.
Seriously, do you know how many acting awards are in the room just when Sam and Scarlett are sharing a scene?
Kat: "So is he a vampire or a zombie?"
Greg: "Either way it makes all those women necrophiliacs."
You know, this movie really is fantastic whenever Sam Jackson is doing his thing. And then Scarlett or Gabriel mess it all up.
Spirit: "Seeing as how I'm going to die anyway, tell me the whole plan." OH YES THEY WENT THERE.
Sam: "We found his ass!"
Scarlett: "And we have some blood."
Odile: "Was the blood in his as? And by the way, are they going to explain this premise to us AGAIN?"
MELTING KITTEH!
Okay, so here's how the exposition works: They explain to us what's going to happen, then narrate it as it happens, then tell us what just happened.
And yes, it appears Plaster of Paris' kryptonite is actually French. No wonder she came to America to be a bad guy.
NAZI-FU! SWASTIKA-FU!
Is she using Legolas' sword from Lord of the Rings? Are we recycling THAT much? Kat: "It was cheap on Museum Replicas."
Did anyone in the editing room notice how Plaster and Angel of Death look alike? I'm pretty sure it's not intentional.
Odile: "Is everything Death says a veiled sexual metaphor?"
Me: "... veiled?"
1 hour in:
Me: "Man, if I'd known death was so hot, I'd have cacked myself long ago."
Odile: "I don't think it's for everyone."
Wow, it's creepy how literal the whole objectification-of-women thing going on here is.
his is the most expensive student film ever made.
Kat: Why is there a dinosaur?
Odile: Does there NEED to be a reason? He's returning to life to save all those women from loneliness. With the power of his necrophiliac penis.
Spirit: "Somebody get me a tie!" Oh my god, the city really DOES spring for all those ties.
Scarlett: "This is fun for me." You sure haven't shown any sign of it yet.
It's kind of surreal how every half hour or so, Scarlett remembers she's a highly acclaimed actress and tries to act like one, and then fails miserably.
The truck says "Ditko's Speedy Delivery." Oh, Frank, you've managed to screw up your own and Eisner's names so badly in the course of this, no need to bring poor Steve Ditko into things too.
I love how there's all this sexual tension between Spirit and everyone else, and yet he's got the most unresolved tension with Sam Jackson.
Sand: "It doesn't mean I'm your girl."
Greg: "No, I'm just some skank ho you'll bang every now and again."
You really should make little air quotes when you call this a "movie."
Another "the city is a woman" speech. Will she be his daughter this time?
And that’s a wrap. See you all next time!
