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Post by K-Box on Jan 16, 2009 18:53:57 GMT -8
BATTLESTAR MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT
IN B4 TONITE'S EPISODE AIRS
AND I KNOW WHO THE FINAL CYLON IS:
Gaius Baltar's penis.
The joke here is that I'm not kidding.
Gaius Baltar has stumbled upon the secret identities of a greater number of the Cylon models than any other individual character in the cast, and he's almost always managed to do so through a nearly alchemical mix of complete coincidence and uncanny intuition ...
... And because Gaius Baltar has done everything that he's ever done as a direct result of his own penis, I say again that Gaius Baltar's penis is The Final Cylon, and we will find this out in the last episode, when James Callis drops trou, and we see a CGI Knight Rider-style red stripe of light going up and down the length of his cock, making that WHEEEOOO-WHEEEUUU, WHEEEOOO-WHEEEUUU sound.
I mean, come on; from Six in the pilot episode to Tory Foster in the most recent episodes before the hiatus, Baltar's dick is practically a dowsing rod for detecting Cylons, to the point that it's even managed to be indirectly responsible for him detecting male Cylons, as seen when his "framing" of Aaron Doral as a Cylon in the pilot, while Phantom-Six was jacking him off, turned out to be an entirely accurate guess about Doral's true Cylon nature, even though Baltar himself thought he was lying when he made that accusation.
Okay, so, granted, The BalCock Of The One True God has been asleep at the switch in a number of notable instances, since it certainly seemed blind to the true Cylon nature of Saul Tigh (unless, of course, that's the subject of a series of Webisodes or Deleted Scenes that are so supremely creepy that it's making my dick retreat into my body just to think about the possibility of their existence, because I don't think even slashfic authors have the stomach to imagine James Callis and Michael Hogan fucking), but compared to anyone and/or anything else on the show, The BalSchlong's track record of accuracy is far and away the best.
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Post by michaelpaciocco on Jan 16, 2009 20:12:24 GMT -8
OK...just watched the episode.
Bendis, Millar, Morrison, Quesada, Slott et. al. This? Right here? THis is how you break the motherfucking internet in half.
Discusss.
Michael
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Post by paulpogue on Jan 16, 2009 20:24:28 GMT -8
Frak. Frak. FRAK!
<Doctor>What? What? WHAT?</Doctor>
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Post by michaelpaciocco on Jan 16, 2009 20:40:27 GMT -8
My thoughts 1000000000% Exactly.
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Post by jessebaker on Jan 16, 2009 23:12:24 GMT -8
Is it wrong that I wished Lee had took the gun and shot himself in the head instead of Dualla? I mean, if they wanted to shock us with a suicide, why not kill off Lee "I have no fucking purpose on the show anymore thanks to Helo and Anders" Adama?
On one hand, I can at least thank the stars that they didn't kill Anders off in such a hardcore, "Die For Our Ship" manner. But it should have been Lee eating a bullet to the side of his head since the character's had his entire purpose (voice of sanity/morality and Starbuck's "One True Love") usurped by characters that are much more interesting than Lee and his half-assed daddy issues.
Not to mention, having Lee shoot himself in the head would do wonders to finally push Adama and Roslin together at long last, since both care about Lee and could see his suicide as the dark tragedy to finally get the two to give into their burning, unrequited passions for each other.....
As for the Ellen "reveal"? Until we have Baltar admitting that he's known that Ellen is a Cylon, I remain skeptical of Tigh's "revelation" that Ellen was the fifth Cylon. Starbucks makes more sense to me as well, especially with what she found in the wreckage and the standard "wacky misunderstanding due to people taking things at face value and not comparing notes".
I'll also admit to kind of crying at Lucy Lawless's final scene. Three has always been a fountain of cynicisms and snark and watching her break down like she did in the face of the situation was a nice moment to show the Cylons reacting to the same hopelessness that the rest of the fleet were feeling. A shame though, that we did not get confirmation as to whether or not it was Tigh that Three apologized to when she saw the faces of the final five.
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Post by paulpogue on Jan 17, 2009 8:28:26 GMT -8
Moore has indicated a couple of times that the one she was apologizing to was the Final One, although he's up there with Russell T. Davies and JJ Abrams in the "lying through their teeth to cover the secret" sweepstakes.
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Post by K-Box on Jan 17, 2009 16:08:47 GMT -8
CROSSOVER POST!
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Post by jkcarrier on Jan 18, 2009 9:51:41 GMT -8
I don't know, I'm kind of burned out and cynical about the whole thing. It just seems like they're piling on the "shock" scenes because they don't have anything else to work with. Does anyone really think at this point that they can tie all this up in any kind of plausible way?
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Post by paulpogue on Jan 18, 2009 12:49:40 GMT -8
Whereas I've become extremely cynical due to the clear lack of planning going on during the first couple of years, I still have hope that it can be wrapped up in a plausible way. It pisses me off to no end that they really had no plan whatsoever -- Moore has stated on numerous occasions that it wasn't until midway through Season Three that they really sat down to think about who the Final Five Cylons were, and not only that, it hadn't even OCCURED to them to make it significant until that point. Up until they started having Baltar hang out on the Cylon ships, as far as the producers were concerned, there were just five we hadn't seen yet.
I don't know why I feel so badly burned by all this -- after so many nerd messiahs, particularly Chris Carter and Straczynski, have crashed and burned on the "we have a plan" thing, I should have been a little more doubtful about Moore and company. (Even Whedon never planned more than a year ahead; the sole known exception seems to be the two-years-ahead-of-time hint of the exact date of Buffy's death, and even that could have been a throwaway.) But they seemed SO confident, SO clear on the "And they have a plan" element, to the point of literally throwing it in our faces in the opening credits of every episode, it seemed like they'd have some things worked out. At the very least you'd reasonably expect a memo locked in Moore's office with the words "SECRET NAMES OF 12 CYLONS" written on it.
(Hell, JJ Abrams is getting away with an even MORE brazen thing over on LOST, given his frequent admissions that it's all made up as it goes along, and yet gigantic MAINSTREAM audiences are rolling with it as if it were some great big interlocking puzzle.)
That said, it IS possible to wrap this up on a quasi-final note of closure. There are certain questions that need to be answered, and it's annoying that they weren't in somebody's head five years ago, but there ARE answers, and Moore et al seem to be moving towards resolving them. The particularly nagging question of "Who's pulling the strings to everything" looks like it'll get answered before it's over. It's theoretically possible to end without answering that question, but lately they look like they're drawing more attention to it. (For example, you might be able to get away with "Oh, Six is all in Baltar's head and he's just crazy," and fandom would be pissed off, none of us would like it, but from a storytelling point of view you'd be able to get away with it. You can't get away with "Starbuck just imagined crash-landing on earth and having an intuition that led her straight there." Someone set all that up, and someone transmitted the song to the heads of the Final Five. Now, we might not LIKE the answer, particularly as it seems to be leaning towards "The Final Five were behind everything but their memories are wiped with every resurrection", but I'm not really expecting a "Prisoner"-style resolution.)
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Post by jkcarrier on Jan 18, 2009 13:59:20 GMT -8
You know, if they did resort to a Prisoner/Twin Peaks mindfuck non-ending, I'd at least give them credit for sheer nerve. But I'm afraid we're more likely to get a dreary X-Files-style info-dump, once they finally introduce somebody who actually knows what's going on. In a way, I think they've become victims of their own premise. The series has been so relentlessly grim and fatalistic that nothing short of a Human-Cylon Apocalypse of Mutual Destruction is going to be believeable. I'm kind of surprised they didn't immediately turn on each other once the mutual goal of finding Earth was no longer a factor. (P.S. How hilarious would it have been if Tom Zarek had been one of the Final Five, and started having flashbacks to an earlier life as a Colonial Pilot?  ) |
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Post by paulpogue on Jan 18, 2009 16:16:00 GMT -8
To its credit, Twin Peaks did have a reasonably coherent ending to its central plot -- if you go from the point of view of "Who killed Laura Palmer, and why?", it all does make sense. The series finale left dangling a great big bunch of newly developed plotlines, but the basis that drove the entire first season at least was resolved. The biggest different between BSG and Twin Peaks is that by the time Twin Peaks wrapped up, there were precious few people left in the country who actually cared. It probably beats out even "Heroes" in the Sophomore Slump Sweepstakes, as far as plummeting interest and quality after a terrific first season. If BSG actually does go for the Prisoner-style ending, Moore may quickly find out why McGoohan stayed out of England for so long after "Fall Out." (He should probably ask Dean "Quantum Leap" Stockwell for HIS views on what fandom'll do to you after a complete non-ending of an ending  .) |
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Post by paulpogue on Jan 18, 2009 16:25:58 GMT -8
By the way, I'll lay odds on a concrete Blade Runner call-out onscreen by Edward James Olmos before series' end:
"It's a shame she won't live. But then again, who does?" -- 10 percent. A little TOO concrete, and you'd have to contrive a way to lead up to it.
"You did a man's job, sir." -- 25 percent. More likely, and easier to work in there given the context of the show. It could be said to either Tigh or Lee, with different meanings to each, but make sense either way.
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Post by jessebaker on Jan 18, 2009 20:36:51 GMT -8
To be fair, it's been rumored that Ron Moore's been wanting to do SOME form of despair-induced "suicide" story since season one, though on a much more larger scale than simply poor Dee doing herself in, only to be shut down by the network brass regarding such a plotline being too dark.
So we get it in small steps in a pretty natural place in the story (Earth is found and turns out to be a nuked out hellhole) with Dee killing herself and Adama trying to kill himself as well, though through Tigh.
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Post by K-Box on Jan 18, 2009 21:52:31 GMT -8
To be fair, it's been rumored that Ron Moore's been wanting to do SOME form of despair-induced "suicide" story since season one, though on a much more larger scale than simply poor Dee doing herself in, only to be shut down by the network brass regarding such a plotline being too dark. So we get it in small steps in a pretty natural place in the story (Earth is found and turns out to be a nuked out hellhole) with Dee killing herself and Adama trying to kill himself as well, though through Tigh. Fair point, but you said it yourself; given the show's history, this very strongly comes across as a Die For Our Ship to appease the Lee/Kara contingent of fandom, who at this point are making the Ten/Rose batchippers look sane and sensible by comparison. Dee is basically Martha Jones, if her story had been written by Harold Saxon instead of Russell T. Davies. |
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Post by jessebaker on Jan 18, 2009 23:34:08 GMT -8
Now you are over-exagerating Kirk.
Dee is not Martha Jones. No where near close to Martha and her shipper-dom status (of which I should note, that even RTD apologized for in "The Stolen Earth"/"Journey's End" via the fact that fact that she is the only one of the Nu-Who Introduced Girl Companion to come out of that storyline not being fucked over (Rose got stuck with Psycho 10.5, Donna got mindwiped, while Martha walked off into the sunset with both Jack and Rose's ex) in the end. )
In the love rectangle, Dee reminds me of the sort of soap opera character who gets thrown into a super-couple relationship as a spoiler because her love interest's actor quit the show and the writers ramrod her into the super-couple pairing because they have to justify keeping her around. And in the process, they damage the character (via her dumping Billy for Lee just as Billy proposes to her) that makes her the "bad girl" in the rectangle while at the same time, by some miracle, still making her sympathetic in the way that the writers not fucking knowing that super-couple member A comes off like such a big time ass via cheating on Dee, that we forgot the bitchy way she treated Billy and find ourselves cheering for her when she finally tells Apollo that she's leaving him.
Dear Lord, just thinking about the Love Rectangle From Hell makes my head hurt, Especially given that they could have avoided the whole thing if they had just paired Lee and Roslin up to begin with. That way, Kara could be with Anders, Dee could fuck Bill Adama (as has been the subtext since season two as far as Dee's crush on Bill), and Lee could be pumping Laura with anti-crazy jism to keep her off the rag-themed warpath reguarding her stalker-esque obsession with Baltar!
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