Marvel's Heroes of the Decade - COMEDY AHOY!

[michaelpaciocco]

Here - marvel.com/news/comicstories.10805.take_10~colon~_heroes_of_the_decade

And now, let me translate it from "Marvel Speak" into human language.

10: Deadpool

"Because for some reason he's fucking popular and we got Ryan Reynolds playing him - that's why."

9: Luke Cage

"Because Bendis loves him and so should you."

8: Wolverine

"Because completely sucking the mystery out of his past and putting it on display, while overexposing him to such a degree that his 90s overexposure looks subtle by comparison, is awesome"

7: NOVA

"Because by ignoring the rest of our editorial mandates, they somehow made a decent character arc."

6: SPIDER-MAN

"Yeah, even we can't think of anything that memorable he's done since trading his marriage to the devil, so we have to say his best moments were pretty much all from the previous teams on the book."

5: MS. MARVEL

"Yeah, after accomplishing ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING and now getting her series cancelled - she deserves to be here - doesn't she?"

4: CYCLOPS

"Cheating on your wife, creating secret death squads, lying to allies, and managing to gather the last of your species on a sinking ship? BRILLIANT! It's like you've been working for Senator Kelly all along."

3: CAPTAIN AMERICA (BUCKY BARNES)

"We don't own Jason Bourne, so we just mapped all his 'personality traits' and 'dramatic arc' onto an old character to create the illusion of character progression - GO TEAM MARVEL!"

2: CAPTAIN AMERICA (STEVE ROGERS)

"We are so, so sorry about the Sally Floyd speech - forgive us? Please?"

1: IRON MAN

"Look, we're know we made him an asshole who did absolutely shitty things - but you liked the movie, right?"

[jarddavis]

I'll say it again.

People are still reading Marvel?

[paulpogue]

Jan 2, 2010 8:26:19 GMT -8 michaelpaciocco said:

Here - marvel.com/news/comicstories.10805.take_10~colon~_heroes_of_the_decade

4: CYCLOPS

"Cheating on your wife, creating secret death squads, lying to allies, and managing to gather the last of your species on a sinking ship? BRILLIANT! It's like you've been working for Senator Kelly all along."

Completely unfair! As far as we know, he was always totally faithful to his wife!

Senator Kelly, that is. Scott still doesn't get a pass .

[K-Box]

I find it endlessly amusing that most of Marvel's Evil Strawman Conservatives, for the most part, actually practiced the morals that they preached. Unlike Mark Sanford, Robert Kelly never went "hiking on the Appalachian trail" with a mistress from a group that he was legislating against. Which means that comic book villains are now more multi-dimensional than real-life people.

[michaelpaciocco]

Actually, I always thought of Kelly as a strong-arm Liberal who viewed Mutant Powers in the same league as gun control

[jessebaker]

Actually Kelly was supposed to be a racist conservative in the vein of mutants being like black people as far as Kelly making his political career out of exploiting anti-mutant hysteria, though he ultimately mellowed out in the 90s and before he died; sex-wise, Claremont made a joke of sorts that his wife was an ex-Hellfire Club hostess and that her first and only appearance (before dying) was that she convinced her former co-workers to give her one of her old stripper-esque work uniforms to wear so she could suprise her husband when he was meeting with Sebastian Shaw.

As for Scott Summers on that list, I think he fucking deserves it after Utopia. Who else in the Marvel Universe has had the balls to not only go after Norman but fucking MAKE NORMAN HIS BITCH as far as winning a major, clear-cut victory as far as hurting Norman and exposing him and his crimes without consequence or hollow moral victory?

[K-Box]

Jan 4, 2010 19:47:24 GMT -8 michaelpaciocco said:

Actually, I always thought of Kelly as a strong-arm Liberal who viewed Mutant Powers in the same league as gun control

Since at least the first movie, he was always designated in both the movies and the comics as "Sen. Robert Kelly (R-NY)." When you listen to him in the first movie, his arguments on that score actually reflect what you're saying, but subvert it:

(On the phone with a fellow legislator) "Well, your side favors gun control, right? Well, there are kids going to school who represent 10 times the firepower of any gun!"

In short, Kelly, as a Republican, is not someone who necessarily favors gun control himself, but he'll nonetheless use that argument to beat it over the heads of liberals who DO favor it, in much the same way that liberals who don't necessarily support "traditional marriage" will nonetheless use the argument to beat it over the heads of conservatives who have sex scandals.

[K-Box]

And regarding Scott, I just find it amusing that, after all these years, Marvel has finally openly admitted what they were kind of unwittingly hinting at all along, which is that Marvel editorial now basically endorses the view that Magneto Was Right All Along.

[michaelpaciocco]

Jan 4, 2010 21:57:19 GMT -8 jessebaker said:

As for Scott Summers on that list, I think he fucking deserves it after Utopia. Who else in the Marvel Universe has had the balls to not only go after Norman but fucking MAKE NORMAN HIS BITCH as far as winning a major, clear-cut victory as far as hurting Norman and exposing him and his crimes without consequence or hollow moral victory?

If by "no consequence" you mean "Nearly the entire surviving mutant population of the MU now considered terrorists by the United States govenment and no longer welcome on US soil.", then I suppose you're right.

Thought: Cyclops has now created the Mutant Masada